hold on tightly

At the end of last week I started to feel 'uneasy' about where to from here in Gertrud's development. The various threads of the work felt strong, and I was enjoying the experience of performing them in rehearsal. But, with a full week of rehearsal left I wanted to keep questioning the work, its elements, and what possibilities for change were still available to me.

This isn't easy simply because it requires that I do not assume that the decisions I have made up to this point are the best ones (however I determine 'the best' to be).

Today, dancer-choreographer Vida Midgelow came into rehearsal to watch a run of the work. In many respects, her role was to respond to what she had seen (and not what she thought the work might be in the theatre). Sharing work in a reasonably nascent form is never easy, but over time I've definitely got better at not wanting to defend decisions, at quietly listening to responses, and not jumping over them with 'my stuff'.

Vida is wonderfully capable at considering and articulating her experiences of 'dance' materials – it is not so much that I agree with her or that we share a similar aesthetic, but rather that I trust that she is in the space to serve the project, to find ways to make it stronger, and to enter into a dialogue about the current strengths and weaknesses of the work. This provides an atmosphere in which I can let go of my vulnerability as a maker, and begin to re-look at what it is that I have done. To see, once again, with new eyes.

The upshot of Vida's watching, and our discussion afterward, is that a particular section of the work needs a dramatic rethink. Vida's response to this "slideshow" section reminded me of initial uncertainties (voiced in various ways by Helen, Amy and me) about how this section was executed. Uncertainties that had diminished with repetition, and with a gradual acceptance that this was how the section will be.

Peter Brook has this wonderful saying: Hold on tightly, let go lightly. As I understand it, it invokes the desire to wrestle with an idea as deeply as possible, to seek ways in which it/they might work - to hold on tightly. But, if the idea fails (whatever that means), to then let go lightly, and move on.

With the slideshow section, I am currently holding on tightly.

really

Do you think you look good doing that?